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1/30/2019

Elevate your self-care with this one simple thing

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Hey MamaBoss!

In this week’s post we are going to get real about self-care.

I am going to talk about what self-care really is and how you can elevate your routine without spending tons of time or money.


First, let’s talk about what is self-care, anyway?

Self-care is any thought or action that deeply nourishes you and results in increased energy.

This can mean many different things to different people.

For some, it might mean a night out with the girls.

For others, it might mean an intense spin class.

Or curling up with a good book in a bubble bath.

And yet for others it might mean getting into a state of flow on a project for work that you’re passionate about.

All of these, despite their seeming diversity, can nourish and energize and thereby feel like self-care.

But none of it is actually self-care if it isn’t attached to kindness.

Being kind to yourself is the truest form of self-care in existence.

Without self-kindness your self-care will fall flat, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and frustrated.

But when you learn to be kind to yourself, your self-care routines take on a whole other level.

If you’re familiar with my work you know that your thoughts create your feelings which create your actions which create your results.

When we invest in self-care actions without first caring for our thoughts, we miss the opportunity to completely elevate our experience.

Once your thoughts about yourself become kind, you can’t help but engage in self-care all the time.

When you have kind thoughts about yourself you will take better care of your self-- you will take yourself on walks, feed yourself healthy and nourishing food, engage in inspiring and nurturing relationships, and love yourself and others endlessly.

You can elevate your self-care right the minute.

Here’s how.
  1. Notice your thoughts about yourself. In addition, notice how you think about others. Often those of us who are hardest on others are often just as hard, if not harder, on ourselves.
  2. Remember that all thoughts are optional.
  3. Choose your thoughts about yourself wisely.
  4. Practice those chosen thoughts intentionally throughout out your day. You can set an alarm to remind yourself, or automatize it during your commute or teeth brushing routines.
  5. Decide that you will be kind to yourself, no matter what.
  6. Commit to that decision.

When you find yourself falling into old habits of self-criticism, be gentle with yourself and guide your mind back to kindness by asking:

                         What’s the matter, love?

And give yourself the respect of listening to the answer that comes from within.

 
So go take good care of yourself.

You deserve it. 
​
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1/20/2019

7 Tips for better sleep

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We all know the importance of sleep.

It is the foundation for feeling good.

We all know what it feels like to not get enough sleep.

We get grouchy.

Snap at our spouses.

Yell at our kids.

Make stupid mistakes at work.

Crave sugar and caffeine.

Eat more than usual.

It doesn’t feel good.

And research shows that not sleeping enough can lead to weight gain.

And yet, even with the best of intentions to get to bed at a reasonable hour, sleep can be elusive.

Especially as we get older.

It is rare that I meet a MamaBoss who doesn’t experience bouts of insomnia from time-to-time… or worse, regularly.

I used to suffer from insomnia.

Middle-of-the-Night (MOTN) insomnia in particular, which is when you fall asleep without issue but wake up a few hours later and can’t get back to sleep for hours.

It would be particularly bad when I was excited about a new project I was working.

I would fall asleep no problem, but then wake up a few hours later thinking about my project.

So one night when I couldn’t sleep, I read the book Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker. That book, coupled with some additional research, gave me a few tips that have solved my insomnia problem.

I no longer wake in the night.

And on the rare occasion that I do (usually after a night of celebration that included rich food and wine) I am able to fall back asleep within 30 minutes.

Here’s what I figured out.

  1. Don't Freak Out. Despite what you've heard, cognitive functioning isn’t really impaired. We all seem to believe that if we don’t sleep enough we won’t be able to function. That our ability to be effective at work will be deeply impacted because we were up in the night. So, when we have insomnia we stare at the clock and panic because we think “I have to get back to sleep or I’m screwed!!” Well, these thoughts aren’t conducive to sleep-- they are just freaking you out! So it’s a vicious circle-- you can’t sleep because of your thinking, and your thinking those thoughts because you can’t sleep! Well, the good news is that research shows that cognitive functioning is only impaired if you get less than 5.5 hours of sleep. So if you get that amount, even if it’s pieced together, you’ll still function completely normally. If you get less than that, that’s OK too, because it will just increase the sleep pressure on your body so you’ll sleep harder when you do finally go to sleep. Just be sure you don’t manipulate this too much with caffeine or napping (see below).
  2. No Caffeine Eight Hours Before Bedtime. Give your body time to eliminate all caffeine to help you sleep soundly. This increases the sleep pressure on your body, especially when you haven’t slept enough the night before.
  3. Your Thoughts Matter. When you tell yourself that you are “so tired” or that you are going to be super tired today or that today is going to be a miserable day, etc. research shows that you will actually feel more tired. So if you choose thoughts such as “I didn’t sleep enough but I’ll be OK.” you will feel less tired as a result. It’s like magic.
  4. Be Consistent. Keep the same bedtimes and wake times everyday, no matter what. Variation within one hour is OK, but no more than that.
  5. Don’t Go to Bed Until You Are Legit Sleepy. Keeping in mind number  four above, you shouldn’t get into bed until you are tired. So that might mean you stay up and fold laundry or read a book on the couch. And that might put you past your scheduled bedtime. That’s OK. Because you are still going to get up at your scheduled time-- which means you might be tired-- but that is going to increase the sleep pressure on your body and will eventually adjust to your scheduled sleeping times.
  6. Don’t Nap. Now, I get it. I come from a long line of nappers. And this doesn’t mean you can’t ever nap again-- just don’t nap when you are experiencing insomnia. The whole goal is to put the sleep pressure on your body, so if you nap you are relieving that pressure and screwing everything up. ​
  7. Embrace Your Designation as a Morning Lark or Night Owl. According to research by Daniel Pink, we are each naturally inclined to either be morning people or night owls. If you embrace that, you can stop fighting yourself to wake up earlier to get stuff done or go to bed later if you are ready to pass out at 9 PM and instead intentionally design your day to maximize productivity according to your inclination. For me, I am a total Morning Lark. I love the morning hours, and am ready for bed at 8:30 or 9 PM every night. So, I go to bed at that time and get up at 4:00 AM. It works perfectly for me. Find what works for you and make it happen.

I hope these tips help you as much as they’ve helped me.

Sweet dreams, MamaBosses.
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1/13/2019

overeating: it's not your fault & how to stop

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Despite what you’ve been told by your mother, the media, your friends, weight loss “experts”, your personal trainer from 2009, your PE teacher from middle school, magazines, Dr. Oz, and everybody else YOUR OVEREATING IS NOT YOUR FAULT. 

It’s not your fault.

And there is nothing wrong with you.

Nothing. 

The reason you overeat is because you have over-desire and over-hunger.

The reason you have over-desire is because no one taught you how to manage your mind. 

The reason you have over-hunger is because of how your body processes sugar and flour.

In this article I will explain both and then I will tell you what to do about it so that you can stop overeating and gain some control over your relationship with food.

over-desire

I keep talking about this “manage your mind” business and admittedly this is a very ambiguous, if not downright cryptic, term.

What does it even mean to manage your mind?

It is easier to just start doing it than to explain it, so start here.


3 Steps to Manage Your Mind for Beginners 
  1. Notice your thoughts. Just begin to become aware of your thinking. Often, for beginners, this comes after the thought has come and gone. But as you practice you will become aware of the thoughts you are having while you are having them, and even before you are having them. But don’t be in a big hurry to get there. Those are more advanced skills and will come with practice. 
  2. Write them down. Write down your thoughts every day. Read them over. Notice any particularly salient thoughts-- the ones that stand out to you for whatever reason or that are more emotionally triggering. 
  3. Notice the emotions that are triggered by your thoughts. Anger. Anxiety. Stress. Boredom. Excitement. Elation. Worry. Love. Notice them all. And just noticing them will begin to create some space between you and your emotions. It will allow you to feel them with a little more control. Eventually you will be able to observe the thoughts and subsequent emotions as they occur which will results in creating that space around them. Martha Beck calls this becoming the “Watcher”. With practice you become the watcher of your mind and emotions and they no longer have such a strong hold or control over you. 

These three steps are the beginner steps but are by no means the end.

They are just the beginning! 


What follows are what you do with the emotions-- the actions you take.

The sequence always goes:

Circumstance ---> Thoughts ---> Feelings ---> Actions ---> Results

There is no other way. 

The circumstance is always neutral.

So once you’ve begun to observe and work with your thoughts and feelings, the actions and results that you get are very, very different from before.

And this, my friends, is life changing.

Life changing because you can finally start to break old habits and patterns that have felt out of your control for years, like overeating, overdrinking, not exercising, or whatever the habit is that you don’t love.
​

over-hunger

The world we live in here in the west is one of food overabundance.

You can access food 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

And this food is hyper-palliative, meaning it tastes intensly good thanks to the sugar, fat, and salt food manufactures put in these foods.

When you pulverize plants like wheat or corn and turn them into flour, you end up consuming far more with each bite than you would have had you eaten the plant whole. The result is a huge spike in insulin levels which by design makes us hungry. This surge, especially when overfed, results in chronic over-hunger.

Couple that with experiencing a uncomfortable emotion like anxiety and the pull that those foods then have is the equivalent of being sucked into a hunger vortex-- why feel all this super uncomfortable anxiety when I could just snack on bread and cheese and wash it down with a couple of glasses of rose-- making me feel oh-so-much better in the moment but causing a lot of mental turmoil after the deed is done.

Eating isn’t the solution to over-hunger.

The solution is to eliminate flour and sugar completely.

And this freaks everybody out.

Especially us emotional overeaters.

The thoughts come rushing in…
  • I don’t want to eat that way.
  • I love bread/pasta.
  • That sounds like too much work.
  • I don’t want to diet.
  • What would I eat? That’s crazy.
  • I don’t want to be different.

And this is where the work begins.

Loop back to the section above and start to manage your mind.

Notice your thoughts.

Write them down.

Notice your emotions.

Start there.

Flour and sugar have no nutritional value whatsoever so the argument that you want to eat them is from a purely emotional standpoint.

You like them.

They taste good.

And your decision to eat them is making you overly hungry, resulting in weight gain.

TAKING THE LEAP

I tell my clients to start this way.

  1. Follow the 3 Steps to Manage Your Mind for Beginners above.
  2. Commit to eliminate flour and sugar for 4-6 weeks
  3. Manage your mind during those 4-6 weeks everyday. 

You will be blown away with what comes up mentally and emotionally when you stop numbing out with flour and sugar. 

And these thoughts are the goldmine, because they are the source of your emotional overeating.

After 4-6 weeks you will come out on the other end.

I’m not going to lie to you-- it'll be difficult because sugar in particular has addictive properties.

But after 4-6 weeks you will feel so much better.

Commit and you’ll be free from over-hunger and be on your way to managing your over-desire. 

And for us mamas who have been ravenous and out of control our whole lives, this will take our lives to a whole new level.
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1/4/2019

Weight Loss Coaching 101 (Spoiler Alert: It’s Not What You Think)

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Hey Mama Boss,

In this post I am going to give you a little peek into what weight loss coaching is all about as well as give you a few tips to get you started on your own.

That's right. 

You don’t have to sign up for weight loss coaching to see the benefits.

You can get started here and now. 
​

Sometimes when I tell people I’m a weight loss coach they think it's all about weight loss.

Imagine that. ;)

But here's the thing.

It's not.

Not. At. All.

Sure, when I first start out with a client she wants me to tell her exactly what to eat and when to eat it. 

She wants a plan.

A food guide.

A shopping list.

An exercise routine.

She wants restrictions and guardrails.

She wants a prescription that will contain her.

Hold her in.

Because she feels out of control.

Her appetite is a *thing* that is bigger than she is.

Is beyond her control.

And she needs someone to tell her how to regain control.

And then she will be thin.

And then she will be happy.

Finally. 

I get that.

She is looking for a light at the end of the tunnel.

An exit off the Highway of Dieting and Self-loathing.

She is simply looking for solutions to her problem.

Because she thinks her problem is her weight.
​

The problem

And what she learns as she proceeds down the off-ramp from the Highway of Dieting and Self-loathing is that it isn't really about her weight.

Her weight isn't the *problem*.

Her weight is just a byproduct.

A symptom of the real problem.

The problem is her relationship with food.

She is eating her feelings.

She eats when she is tired.

When she's bored.

Anxious.

Overwhelmed.

Disappointed. 

Any negative feeling, really.

She looks to food to solve for those problems.

What she learns, however, through weight loss coaching is that it’s a choice to look to food to solve her problems.

She is making the choice every time.

Even if it doesn't feel like a choice.

And the good news there is, since it's a choice, it is completely within her control. 

Even if it doesn't feel like it-- yet.
​

The solution

What is the alternative if she didn't choose food to solve her problem of feeling negative emotions?

The alternative is to simply feel the feeling.

She can choose to feel tired, bored, anxious, overwhelmed, disappointed.

And to not eat.

Simple.

Not easy.

That sounds pretty terrible, right?

This is where the coaching begins.

I teach her how to feel her feelings, without eating.

I show her that it is totally and completely in her control.

She is choosing it.

And she has the power to un-choose it.

And the process is mind-blowing.

Life-changing on so many levels.

Once a woman learns to feel her negative emotions instead of eat them she can choose to channel that energy into what really matters in her life.

Her career.

Her life's work.

Her family.

Her marriage.

Her creative passion.

Her larger purpose.

how to get started

The first rule of weight loss: Be Kind

Be kind to yourself.

Once you become aware that you are eating in order to avoid a negative feeling there is a tendency for women like us, women who have high expectations, to beat ourselves up for it.

So the next time you catch yourself eating to avoid or resist a negative feeling, ask yourself these two questions:
  1. What's the matter, love?
  2. What would you be feeling if you hadn't eaten?

Take the time to explore your brain a bit.

Write it down, pen to paper.

Get it out.

What you learn about yourself in the process will not only blow your mind, but will also open you up to ending the battle with your body and your weight once and for all.

recap

  1. Be kind. To yourself. Don't take this one lightly. It's critical on so many levels and is the secret sauce to permanent, lasting results. 
  2. Start to notice when you are eating in response to a negative feeling. You can do this just by noticing how you felt right before you chose to eat, and you can do this while you are eating or after. Just ask yourself “What was I feeling right before I chose to eat?” This can take a little practice, so remember Rule #1 and be kind.
  3. When you notice you've eaten when you weren't really hungry or didn't really want to, ask yourself the two *magical* questions 
    1. What's the matter love? 
    2. What would you be feeling if you hadn't eaten?

These skills take practice, but the journey is soooo incredibly worth it. 

Once you stop obsessing about your weight and food, you will be freed up to pursue your true purpose on this planet.

You will be more available for your family and community.

You will be a better role model to the young, impressionable girls in your life.

You will have freed up so much mental space that you were previously using to count calories or carbs, plan meals, or read dieting blogs.

What will you do with all of that newfound time?
​
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    Lia Pinelli is a weight loss coach and educator who helps women put an end to emotional overeating and lose weight, permanently. 

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